*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
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Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.