@Laser_Cat *two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
@Sanbel11 You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
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@Laser_Cat 
@vineyille Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
@Discourt I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
@david8hughes Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
@starbangbandit Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
@notmythirdrodeo I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
@Chyld Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
@lynnbixenspan I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
@_wendyb07 Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
@Skullcat Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.