@Sanbel11

You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.

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@Laser_Cat

*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*

Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!

@vineyille

Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”

@Discourt

I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.

@david8hughes

Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas

@starbangbandit

Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.

@notmythirdrodeo

I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed

@Chyld

Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!

@lynnbixenspan

I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?

@_wendyb07

Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.

@Skullcat

Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.