You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
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My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
#gardening
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?