You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
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Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster