You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
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My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
Welcome to the stomach
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops