You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
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Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
normalize having existential bread
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂