You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
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Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
no refunds
Well, this is awkward
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
.
.
.
.
.
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!