You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
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Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*