@jonnysun

you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does

You Might Also Like

@GrowlyGrego

*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?

@psybermonkey

[First date]

Her: I love to travel.

Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.

@GrantTanaka

does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa

@ArfMeasures

Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night

Me: You can’t prove that

Taco Bell employee: No we can

@

Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis

@ghostkrogh

Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan

@LizHackett

I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.

@LittleMissLizz

I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.

@KazHiraiCEO

Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it