*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
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*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it