you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
You Might Also Like
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
This is my bus stop.
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
They’re called werewolves.
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever