you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does

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*wakes up in cold sweat*


[First date]

Her: I love to travel.

Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.


does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa


Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night

Me: You can’t prove that

Taco Bell employee: No we can


Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis


Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan


I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.


I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.


Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it