YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
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[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what