You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
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Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
This is I, Robot all over again
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?