You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
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Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
❤️❤️❤️
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
this is me
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
🚲+physics = winner
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.