You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
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I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
It was worth a shot 😂
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
This line from Airplane.
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.