You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
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Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.