You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
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I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
the #horror is real!
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
mariah carrie
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do