“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
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Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
I just ran a .003048K
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?