YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
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If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
Many hands make light work
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?