You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
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coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
Life cycle of cat
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands