you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
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Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!