You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
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Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.