You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
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Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?