you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
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there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
I’m pretty like a car crash.
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.