You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
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Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
Sell your car
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.