Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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Morningbreath

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Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?

Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.

Me: There is now.

While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.

My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target

Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.

4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.

6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.

What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?

sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.

WIFE: Who was at the door?

ME: More carol singers.

HER: What did they sing?

ME: Silent Night

HER: I hope you didn’t t-

ME: I twerked.

[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]

Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.

her: wow your armpit is really big

me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer

50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds

Apple is releasing new product information today.

That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.

Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.

When potatoes get eyes, do they start watching you? If so, we should call those ones spec-taters

Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?

Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.

Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not

What

We

Eat.

That took me a moment.

Officer: do you know why I pulled you over

Me: the warrant probably

Officer: you have a broken… what

Me: what

Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.

Me, abandoning the call I’m making after two unanswered rings: “well, I tried my absolute best to reach them, not sure what more I could’ve done”

I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.

I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.

how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms

“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers

therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?

me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me

therapist: no

My friends are always encouraging me to persist. “Don’t quit your day job.”

I have one of those big paintings with the eyeholes cut out but I don’t have anyone to spy on so I just watch TV through it.