You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
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guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
I know karate and tons of other words.
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary