You know…for fall…
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ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.