You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
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HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
dictator is short for richard potato
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]