You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
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Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots