You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
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ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?