You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
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I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
This makes total sense…
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it