You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
You Might Also Like
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
#CoronaOutbreak