you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
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I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
No. He’s not coming out to play
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
This was a bad idea all around
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG: