You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
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Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.