You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
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My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.