You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
You Might Also Like
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
Is your wife single?
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
I’d use my best pan on you.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Milk Cube
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit