You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
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Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”