You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
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My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.