You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
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making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?