You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
You Might Also Like
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.