You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
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This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
Why is everyone getting married at me
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one