you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
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her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth