You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
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So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
I told my vodka about you.
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh