You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
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What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
Realize this:
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”