@sass_slinger

You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.

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@Marlebean

Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…

“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”

@Petote

Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”

@NicCageMatch

Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this

@gobmentcheese

A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.

@Quartzjixler

I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.

@daemonic3

“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”

STEVE: How about a Kasteve?

BOB: I have a better idea

@patnspankme

I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.

@RocketRankoon

Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill

@iinkedZombie

I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”

@jasonroeder

The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”