Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
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Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
“Cut your throat.”
“Drink your blood.”
“Have your baby.”
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”