You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
You Might Also Like
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
Not all heroes wear capes.
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
The old gods are rising again.
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home