You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
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Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
I have two kinds of followers
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.