You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
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Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
British people be like I’m Bri ish
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”