@YourYakiri

You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?

I’m like that, but with salad.

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@TheHatdog

*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*

@MomOnFire

Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.

@roastmalone_

I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back

@Midgetspar

Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.

@riot4rach

Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering

@AndrewChamings

inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no

@Shariv67

Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.

@Pumpkinbabypie

Surely these children should be in bed by now?

– me, anytime after 4pm

@protolalia

My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.