you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
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“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*