you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
You Might Also Like
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
I am also baked goods
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!