you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
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Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
Woke up with morning Yule Log
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked