you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
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My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
Strange
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
inventing words: clothing
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.