You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
You Might Also Like
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
I’m giving up ice.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
You wish you had this many chins.
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?