You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
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Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!